


The Problem with Dicks

by Lumelle



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Clown Fish Hobbits, Crack, Dwarf Gender Concepts, Gen, Gender Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 16:40:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7180724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumelle/pseuds/Lumelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo is, he finds, surrounded by too many dicks. Which wouldn't be that much of a problem, since he only means this in the most literal sense, except his hobbit biology doesn't agree.</p>
<p>He's not sure what's going to be worse, trying to find a way to either prevent or deal with the changes, or explaining it all to the rest of the Company.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Problem with Dicks

**Author's Note:**

> So for the longest time I've been wanting to do an Alpha/Beta/Omega 'verse where all the species work in different ways. I'm still working on coming up with a proper plot, but for now, have a little bit of strange hobbit biology. I know this is more of a set-up piece than anything, but it's been a busy week and I figured I'd rather post something little than nothing at all.
> 
> **Please note** that this story features a character dealing with the possibility of an involuntary sex change which, while more of an inconvenience than a major issue in their culture, is still against their own preference and identity. There are also mentions of ruts/heats. Please read accordingly.

The problem, Bilbo decided, was that he was surrounded by dicks.

He didn't mean this in the metaphorical sense, though there was the persistent idea that flowers were more likely to be aggressive or even mean, which, really. He could hardly think of a sharper tongue than that of Lobelia, and he wasn't sure she'd spent a day in her life as a flower, going by the family gossip. When Lobelia got an idea into her mind, nothing was going to sway her from it. He certainly wouldn't have wanted to get in the way of her parasol, either, so she had the aggressiveness down as well.

The point being, he was in a group with thirteen dwarves and a wizard. Gandalf was probably male, tall folk were rather simple like that, and while Bilbo wasn't about to wonder too closely on the matter of dwarven genders there had been enough piss breaks and crude jokes to make it clear that the rest of his companions were most if not all of the dick-bearing type. Which was fine, of course, it was hardly any of his business what his travelling companions had in their trousers, but it did leave Bilbo in something of a predicament when the first enthusiasm of an adventure turned into weeks on the road.

Yes, he did know it was his own fault for not thinking about it before leaving. But then, it wasn't like he would have had the appropriate herbs at hand anyway, and he'd even forgotten his handkerchief, for the Green Lady's sake. It was hardly unthinkable that he might have forgotten about something that was not actually a daily concern for him.

So, when he woke up feeling dizzy one day, he cursed his luck before he cursed himself.

It could have been worse, really. He had a few days to go, and while they were in the middle of nowhere, there were plenty of plants around. Except, of course, that he actually needed time during daylight to go gathering them, and he doubted Thorin would have liked the idea of cutting down on their travel time just for Bilbo's comfort. And while it didn't feel like he was in too much of a hurry just yet, well, it only took a matter of days for "not much hurry" to turn into "too bloody late to do anything".

Now, he wasn't going to say he was happy for the troll incident. That had been terrifying, thank you, and besides it got Thorin even more annoyed with him. But still, it did have a certain benefit in that even Thorin had to admit they probably needed some actual rest after staying up being roasted most of the night, and called for a camp early the following day. Bilbo waited until he was sure he wasn't needed for any chores around the camp, then slipped away after notifying Bifur, who was on watch. All he got in return was a grunt and a nod, but he supposed it was the best he could expect from Bifur, really.

Of course, he'd barely made it twenty feet away from the camp when he heard heavy footsteps behind him.

"I'm not looking for more trolls, if that's what you were worried about," he sighed, looking over his shoulder at Fíli and Kíli. "You can go back to whatever it was you were doing and not bother me."

"Oh, we didn't think you were looking for trolls!" Kíli replied cheerfully. "Uncle Thorin just asked us to keep an eye on you so you can't get into any more trouble."

"Well, you could just tell him that I'm not planning on going out of sight of the camp." He was quite aware of his poor chances of survival if he actually ran into anything hostile on his own, even if he did have his own little sword right now. "I just need to gather some herbs, that's all."

"Oh? Are you looking for seasoning or something?" Fíli smiled. "We can help you with that! Bombur would love to have some more spices to use, anyway."

Bilbo chuckled. "Well, that's not quite what I had in mind, but I'm sure I could find something for that purpose, too." The boys were probably trying to escape some actual chores, but really, it was fine. Thorin wouldn't have sent them out if they were actually needed, he was sure, and he didn't mind the company. Fíli and Kíli were always rather pleasant to him, well, not counting the bit where they sent him all alone after huge trolls.

"So what are you looking for?" Kíli asked curiously as they walked deeper into the forest. "We could help you look if you can describe it."

"It's a small plant with red edges on the leaves. This time of the year there'll probably be little buds, too, red or brown. No taller than your knee, I don't think." He just had to hope they grew in this area, too. "I just need the leaves, so don't worry about the flowers too much."

"What do you need them for?" Fíli turned his head around, scanning the undergrowth. "Is it something you can smoke?"

"It's for a tea, actually." Then, realising it probably sounded a rather trivial concern, he added, "I need it for health reasons." Well. It was true enough, anyway.

"Health reasons?" Kíli frowned, suddenly coming up very close to Bilbo. "You're not sick, are you?"

"No, not really. It's just…" Just that he was feeling occasionally dizzy and also a rather unpleasant tingling in certain parts of his body that was not a good sign of what would happen soon if he didn't take action. "Let's just say my body's preparing to go through some changes, and I'd like to stop that if I can."

"Changes?" Fíli frowned, looking just as puzzled as his brother. Well, that probably shouldn't have been too surprising. Bilbo knew men didn't work the same way as hobbits, it would have been strange to think dwarves did, either. "What do you mean?"

Bilbo sighed. "Well, I can explain if you want, but I have a feeling this will be a somewhat embarrassing conversation all around if I do."

Kíli seemed to arrive at a conclusion first, his eyes widening. "You're not going into heat, are you?" As soon as he'd spoken, he flushed. "Ah, I mean, not that there's anything wrong with it, but…"

"Yes and no." Bilbo sighed. "As I am now, I couldn't. However, my body… well. I suppose before I can explain, I need to figure out something." He glanced at Fíli, figuring he was probably the more sensible of the two, if only slightly. "Are dwarves like men, in that your sex is stuck as one thing the whole time?"

"No. Or, I guess that depends on what you mean?" Fíli frowned again. "I mean, once you've had your first rut or heat, you're always a sire or a bearer. I'm not sure how it works before that, though."

"Right." Well, that wasn't much detail, but he could work with that. "Well, we hobbits are a bit more… complicated, I guess. When it comes to how we dress and such, each hobbit is either male or female, and that usually sticks. But in the, ah, the trouser department, it's… not so set in stone, as such."

"What do you mean?" At least Kíli just looked curious, not embarrassed or entirely clueless.

"I have to ask. Do you know where children come from?" They were grown dwarves, from what he'd understood, but also very young ones. He didn't want to go stepping on any toes if dwarves had different cultural habits on informing their young.

"Sure, that's easy!" Kíli nodded. "A bearer goes into heat, a sire puts a seed inside them, and that seed grows into a baby."

"Right. Well, for hobbits, it's rather similar. We use different words, though — the one who gives the seed is a flower, and the one who bears it is a fruit." He gave the lads a preemptive glare. "And no jokes about that, thank you very much! Now, for one thing, for us those aren't linked to being male or female at all, like I know they are for men. And for another, as I said, it doesn't always stick."

"What do you mean by that?" Fíli frowned. "You mean it could change?"

"Exactly." Bilbo nodded. Finally they were getting somewhere! "Usually by the time a hobbit is grown, they've found the sex they like best, and most will stick to that. Those in mated pairs usually stay the same they were when they were mated, too. However, sometimes it can change. For example, if someone isn't mated and they are surrounded by a lot of people of one sex, their body will rearrange itself into the other, so they're more likely to find a mate of the opposite sex. There's some herbs that can cause or halt the change, too, in either direction." Bilbo shrugged. "Some say that's why we hobbits have so many children, because our nature makes sure there's always people of either sex around. I'm not sure of the cause, but I know enough to tell that my body would very much like to change."

"And that's why you need the tea?" Well, that was a sensible question. Certainly more sensible than any amount of enquiries they could have made, such as whether he was sure that was possible and if he was joking. Not that Bilbo himself had any personal experiences of such things, not having discussed the subject with outsiders before, but he'd heard enough stories to know that sharing such things with tall folk usually lead to disbelief.

"Exactly. It should halt the change if I drink it soon. Not that there's anything wrong with being a fruit, mind you, but usually such changes are shortly followed by heat or rut, and that would be awfully inconvenient on the road." Besides, being able to piss standing up was so much more convenient.

"That makes sense!" Kíli gave him an enthusiastic nod. "Don't worry, we'll find your tea leaves for you!"

"Ah, thank you." This was going much better than Bilbo might have hoped. No stupid questions, no jokes at his expense, just simple acceptance that he was telling the truth and they should act accordingly. He supposed that underneath all the mischief and the occasional mishap of youth, they were decent lads after all.

And if the word about his strange hobbit matters had spread all around the camp before they'd even all finished supper, well, at least it got Dori to offer to help him with preparing the tea, and Óin was perhaps loud but not rude in asking questions about the way hobbits worked in this aspect.

As for Thorin's grunt that at least Bilbo had the good sense not to inconvenience them all any further, well, he was just going to ignore that, thank you very much.


End file.
